Friday, July 28, 2006

Washing myself clean....

"River, river carry me on
Living river carry me on
River, river carry me on
To the place where i come from

So deep, so wide, will you take me on your back for a ride
If i should fall, would you swallow me deep inside

River, show me how to float
I feel like i'm sinking down
Thought that i could get along
But here in this water
My feet won't touch the ground
I need something to turn myself around

Going away, away towards the sea
River deep, can you lift up and carry me
Oh roll on though the heartland
'til the sun has left the sky
River, river carry me high
'til the washing of the water make it all alright
Let your waters reach me like she reached me tonight

Letting go, it's so hard
The way it's hurting now
To get this love untied
So tough to stay with things
'cause if i follow through
I face what i denied
I get those hooks out of me
And i take out the hooks that i sunk deep in your side
Kill that fear of emptiness, loneliness i hide

River, oh river, river running deep
Bring me something that will let me get to sleep
In the washing of the water will you take it all away
Bring me something to take this pain away"

- - Peter Gabriel: US- 'Washing of the Water'

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Tour de France winner Landis gives positive drugs test - Thursday July 27, 2006 11:36AM

Tour de France winner Landis gives positive drugs test - Thursday July 27, 2006 11:36AM

So do you guys think they are going to strip him of the win?

How do they test for this stuff anyhow - how 'tamper-proof' is the testing - (not to suggest the French would do anything out of their anger that yet ANOTHER American won the race) - I mean how come he wasn't being tested all along? They are just finding this crap out now?????

The Peace Alliance - Campaign for a Department of Peace - Home Page

The Peace Alliance - Campaign for a Department of Peace - Home Page

Via one of my favourite current poets the brilliant creator of Poetic Justice

Thanks for having the link up my friend.

The Ranger Who Told All About Anais Nin's Wild Life - Los Angeles Times

In my life...

There are things in life that serve to act as a catalyst - sometimes it's a book, sometimes a film - in this case I am referring to music.

The reason why this album: 'US' by Peter Gabriel made such an impact on me is because I was going through the break up of my family and my marriage to my children's dad at this time....

Apparently, Mr. Gabriel was going through similar events in his own life.

The album is full of the pain, the unresolved conflict, man vs. woman, woman vs. man and every other permutation that love can take - disguised as a saving grace, wrapped in mystery, engulfing the artist and the listener and finally, washing our souls clean with fire.

If you've never listened and perhaps you too are going through a time in your life where everything seems lost - you may want to put this in your IPOD and breathe it all in...

A thank you

To Liam and Sid for the lovely gift - a beautiful multi-coloured Pashmina from India....

It's gorgeous guys and you shouldn't have - watching Buzz kitty was fun and it gave me some time alone.

Glad you are home - hope the trip was memorable go check out Liam's Odd Musings for pics and updates.


C -

Just because....

ON BECOMING..... Ancient Goddess, an Earth Mother, a Tantric High Priestess, a Faerie Queene, a Pirate Queen, a Celtic Witch, an Italian Bella Donna, an American Woman...

I am the one who will challenge you to think on your own two feet, the one who will make you question all you know to be 'right' and 'wrong', the one who will mesmerize you, tantalize you, possess you and strip you of your sense of fear, letting you fall, only to catch you again and lift you up.

I will share with you if I so choose, befriend you, be loyal to you and protect you; fight like a tigress to defend you and keep you from harm.

I will not: wait for you to catch up, suffer fools gladly, brooke with liars, cheats, or pretenders, people who are rude, inconsiderate, or unkind....

I am intelligent, creative, sexy, funny, disarming, sarcastic, witty, bitchy, geeky, confusing, loving, romantic, spontaneous, flirty, vivacious, voluptuous, serene, compassionate, and charming...

I expect: honesty, loyalty, intelligence, kindness, compassion, integrity, and guts.

I've had lovers, more than one at a time for time immemorial, but now will choose to have only 'one' by my side and if you are my consort, you will know the depth of my passion, my fire, my desires. I will take you to your edge, I will make you want more, I will satisfy your every need, whim and desire. You will be mine as surely as I am may not even know what hit you - but you will know my love and you will know it has no bounds.

The Philosopher Journal

Selected Index to The Philosopher Journal

Cool link sent via Ken Y

Merci cheri!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

'Words that somehow must be said...'

I've tried, time and time again to let you know...tried talking to you.

It never probably never probably never will and now it doesn't really matter any more....

Yet, you are surprised and angry.

I find myself curious as to what is so surprising (although I am not surprised at your anger - it's your MO a lot of the time)...

Is it that I no longer desire to be a part of your life, your games, your deceptions (and your utter refusal to acknowledge them), your tantrums, your 'illness', your so-called 'love'?

Or is it simply because I have some new-found happiness and it's hard for you to bear?

You were the one I chose, over things that I should have held more dear, that is MY problem, my cross to bear, and my karma for which I will surely pay....I have already a bit if you ask me...

I never lied to you, misled you, or cheated on you. I loved you deeply, truly, madly, I would have done anything to help you. I DID sacrifice to help you and it wasn't that I expected anything in return, except perhaps, to be treated like the partner I was trying to be for you...

You threw me away like so much trash, the one person you could have been honest with, the one who probably would have understood the most, the one who defended you, stood by your side (even when your other loved ones wouldn't).

I understand you were sick, you needed help, but it was always 'someone else's fault', never something you really seemed interested in solving...

You made choices and it was obvious that those choices would lead to the end of us. I may have made choices that helped that process along as well - I am not denying that - it takes two to tango, darling...

Now it's time to let it all be free, to move on, to put it all behind us.

More than anything I wish you peace.



A bit of flash fiction/noir from a good friend.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Glenda in the Land of Oz

Glenda in the Land of Oz

My vote for blog of the week (via Watergate Summer).

Sexual 'Awakening'

OK - just fair warning to those family members and very close friends - this post is part of a post about my blossoming sexuality I've been working on for over a year. This is not 'the post' in it's entirety. If you think you are going to be offended (well what the hell are you doing here in the first place? *snicker*) or, if you feel you simply don't need THIS much fucking info about me - now would be a good time to avert your eyes and read some other boring person's blog

This is a post about one of my former lovers, J - I was about 17 when I met him.

(As I drove home tonight from my Yoga class that I am now teaching in Broadview Heights, I passed part of my old 'stomping grounds' - bringing back a lot of memories for me. This part of NE Ohio is lush in the summer, gently rolling hills and secluded woods (that are unfortunately now being replaced by subdivisions, that ironically are always called 'something-woods', which is crazy cause they are destroying the reason why this area is so beautiful - but that's another post - I was transported back in time to my late teens when I dated a grease-monkey by the name of Gary and through him met the man who was to become my first 'adult' lover)

I had been living with my boyfriend Gary - an out and out loser...I was beginning to realise this by the time we moved into a house located in Brecksville, OH. Enter the incorrigible J - ...

I had never met anyone like J- (I still have never met anyone like J-).

He was, at the time very charismatic, good-looking, sexy, and dark with long black, beautiful hair, he looked very Greek. I knew we had a neighbor and the houses we lived in were rented to us by a man named Jose. Jose owned our house, J-'s house and also the building on the corner in which he actually seemed to hold religious services;(for some weird reason Jose EXPECTED his tenants to attend those services - none of us ever did). Also because the area we lived in was sort of rural, Jose used to let his animals wander and when I say wander that means every now and then you'd see his chickens wandering about. Jose also had a cow and, from time to time, the cow would decide it was OK to lie down in the middle of the road...which was all well and good until a car came down that road and there was no moving that cow (LOL). The local cops used to threaten Jose all the time... weird, weird stuff...

As I said, I knew we had a neighbor, but I had never met him...just his dogs. He had a beautiful Afghan Hound and a Golden retriever (named Rasputin and Dudley, respectively). Well one day, when I was home alone, J- knocked on my back door. I answered and he practically burst into my kitchen. He was going on about the water being dangerous. I was not sure what he meant until he turned on my faucet and the lit a match by the water and a flame shot up! I was astounded. J- explained that there was a methane gas leak and it was causing this to happen and we should band together and report Jose. J- was real big on causes - he was the epitome of a hippie. As time went on, J- and I began to hang out with each other. Gary was always out and about and off partying with the guys so when I was not working my night shift at the local Perkins Cake & Steak house, I was alone. Gary and I weren't getting on very well and our relationship was deteriorating; Gary was physically abusive too, but I could not/would not go home to my dad's. J- must have sensed this as an opportunity. He was slowly drawing me in, opening my mind to new things. He owned an Occult book store with a friend of his and there were always people at his house (he had several room-mates over time), there was always music being played, intellectual stimulation, and tons of sexual energy in his house. He was a vegetarian and he taught me about vegetarian cooking. He gave me books to read, he smoked pot with me, he became a bit of a Svengali to me...

One day, in the early part of the evening he asked me if I wanted to go for a ride on his motorcycle. He owned a Triumph and it was a beautiful bike. We went for a ride. It was a beautiful night. I remember it being perfect for a bike ride, it was early summer and warm; there was a full moon in sight. The roads where we lived were curvy and hilly (well hilly for this part of Ohio). We came to a place just by a corn field and the road seemed to part the corn field the way Moses would have parted the Red Sea. J- stopped the bike. The he turned around on the bike and there under the moon, in the warm darkness, he said "I am going to steal one of your kisses". I let him. It was magical. Literally.

The next week he asked me if I was interested in checking out a part of the local Park/Reservation where they had 'digs' going on - yes - there at that time, in the Ohio Valley the wealth of Indian artifacts was rich and there were acheaological digs going on in various areas. This time we took his car and we took the dogs with us. We went to the Reservation and J- proceeded to take me to the 'sites'; the woods were incredible and it was a blast. Suddenly, the weather changed and we were caught in a downpour. Because the place was being excavated, there was a lot of mud. I ended up getting filthy. We left and we got back to our respective houses. I had somehow managed to lock myself out of my house. I was frantic because I had to get to work and I had to get cleaned up. I knew I could get to work if J- gave me a ride and I knew I could borrow a uniform once I got there but I had now idea how I was going to get cleaned up. J- offered his bath. The houses we lived in were very old and did not have showers. J- had a makeshift shower hooked up to the spigot of the bathtub. So he ran me a hot bath and gave me a big, rough, beach towel and showed me how to work the shower head so I could wash my hair - which was as long as his and in desperate need of a washing. I was soaking in his tub when Gary came home. Gary could not find me in the house so he decided to knock on J-'s door to see if I was there. Sure enough he found out I was not only there, I was 'naked' in J-'s bathtub. Gary jumped to the immediate conclusion that we had slept together (which was wrong), and he dragged me out of the tub BY MY HAIR, and dragged me half-naked (I had managed to grab the towel) to our house, threw me in the house and proceeded to beat the hell out of me. J- came over as soon as he heard me screaming and rescued me.

That was the point where I moved in with J-. Gary was of course furious but there were a lot of guys ready and willing to hurt Gary for what he had done to me so of course he could not say much.

J- became my lover. I remember long afternoons of sex. Sex lessons, life lessons, spiritual lessons. For days on end - everywhere - especially outdoors in the woods - we'd go together on the pretense of looking at land in order to buy it and build a huge 'commune' (I can remember one really memorable time in the woods, right after a rain-storm). If you have ever heard the song by the group Heart called 'Magic Man' you would understand this affair. Eventually though,I left (J- and I promised we would always be close no matter what and we did stay close until a couple of years ago - which is another blog story but it's a pretty sensitive story and I am not sure I am ready to tell it quite yet - suffice it to say J - crossed a line that NO ONE should ever be allowed to cross), I had another brief stint with Gary - got beaten up again a couple of times (pretty badly, I might add), decided I was tired of that and of being surrounded constantly by 'druggies' (I think the final straw was one morning coming out and finding a 16-yr-old girl with a needle in her arm and realising that LEGALLY *I* could go to jail for that), and I ended up moving back home with my dad....

It's funny looking back through these type of memories - I think about how I was with J- but not - he didn't own me,and I didn't own him - our 'affair' was probably better than most people's marriages because it was based on trust, caring, respect and mutual admiration. I don't regret what happened between us, I have him to thank for being 'good in bed' for teaching me to 'know my own body' so that making love with someone could become not just 'sex' but a way to connect spiritually as well.

I may never forgive him his indiscretion - but I will never forget him either.

The Top 10 Myths about Girl Gamers

Sunday, July 23, 2006

A Campaign Without Conscience

A Campaign Without Conscience, A Betrayal of Faith

I saw my friend, Andrew Rice, in church at Mayflower today. What I am about to say does not constitute an endorsement of his candidacy for the Oklahoma Senate. I feel that my position as a Democratic Party official precludes me doing that. However, I believe that what he told me about a campaign tactic being used, in nearly all certainty, by the Republican Party reveals a party operating without a regard for morality in its grab for power.

Several of the voters in Andrew's district, Oklahoma Senate District 46, have been getting phone calls whose callers claim that Andrew favors terrorism. First, you have to understand that Andrew and his family are one of the victims of the worst terrorist attack in American history. On September 11 2001, investment banker David Rice was killed when the World Trade Centre collapsed. Later, a group called Murder Victims Families for Reconciliation were contacted by the mother of the alleged 20th hijacker, Zacharias Moussaoui. She had a unique request. She wanted to meet some of the families of the victims and ask for their forgiveness. Andrew, along with several other victims' families, met with, this grieving Madame al-Wafi, who begged their forgiveness for her son's hatred. Andrew forgave her because he felt that to return hate for hate dishonored his brother's "spirit", and I feel Andrew knew he was following the commandment of the man from Nazareth who comanded us to forgive though we are wrong 70 times 7 times and who forgave those who were responsible for his execution.

This act, done in the spirit of Christ, is the very deed this smear campaign is trying to use against Andrew Rice. This damning abuse of our political process is being carried out by some group called BMI, headquartered in Cincinatti, Ohio, because they were paid $300,000 by a shadowy Republican organization. The cry that Robert Welch uttered against Joesph McCarthy echoes down to our time, "Have you no sense of decency?" You claim to be the party that defends the practice of Christianity in the public arena, the party of values, the party of morality. Where are your morals now? In Oklahoma, we have seen candidate after candidate in their political ads extol their Christianity, their time spent teaching Sunday School, their donations of land to build churches. I have no doubt of their personal sincerity, but I demand in the name of the one whom they claim to serve that they denounce this discipable act in no uncertain terms, that they honor this most Christian act of Andrew's, or all their claims of faith ring hollow to me.

If you wish to read about Andrew's act of forgiveness, you can go to this link to read his remarkable testimony;
Andrew Rice

Justice for All,
Lynn Green


Went for a 20 minute walk outside - decided to forgo the swimming pool....

It's gorgeous out. Came back, did 75 various sit-ups and will now go sit out on the balcony, soak up some sun and read Jhumpa Lahiri's 'The Namesake' (excellent book BTW)...later on I will go get some Chinese, relax and watch a movie.

Wonderful day (considering I started it on hardly any sleep and had a boomer headache)....just keeps getting better - I can think of only one other thing that would make it perfect...


Cat is 'glove thief'

File under 'Whimsy' for a Sunday....

Listening to: Filter - 'Nice Shot'


From darling Mr Hess again.....

Thanks Jeff!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

NPR : Fighting Intensifies Along Lebanon-Israel Border

NPR : Fighting Intensifies Along Lebanon-Israel Border

You know I haven't said too much about any of this - other than putting up links. What can you say about war..really...especially when you believe in and think we should *all* be striving for peace....

If I say Israel over-reacted,it's going to piss people off. If I say Hezbollah is a terrorist organisation hell-bent on destroying any chance for peace in the Middle East, it's going to piss people off. If I say that America needs to stop playing favourites and 'paying' Israel to continue to do 'whatever the fuck it pleases', no matter the consequence, it's going to piss people off....

So I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

And with a president so far out of touch with reality it's pathetic - there just seems to be no end in sight...

I guess the best thing to say is:

"Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me."

Boing Boing: Kent "Dr. Dino" Hovind refuses to enter plea in tax fraud case

Boing Boing: Kent "Dr. Dino" Hovind refuses to enter plea in tax fraud case


Meet the 'leader' of my daughter (mainly my a-hole son-in-law's) 'church'


Scary shit...


Sometimes I don't know what to say...

Sometimes I feel so close to you....

Sometimes something gets said and I feel the distance between us and it's agony

Sometimes you make me feel like I am 'the one'...

Sometimes you make me feel like I need to get in line....

Sometimes I want to tell you to stop being so cautious, I don't get your fear....

Sometimes I want to try and get you to understand...

Sometimes I don't give a damn...

Sometimes I just want to hold you and make your pain fade away....

Sometimes is just that, sometimes.... the world sleeps

I am in a strange house (not all that strange I love these people, I've slept here before - but not without them being here...)

I am restless. I don't know if I am going to be able *to* sleep.

I could write about all I am feeling right now...have been feeling lately...I would not know where to begin...

There's a leap of faith going on here. I am not sure I am ready to leap (and part of me is frightened that I may have gone too far already). I am trying to stay true to myself, to not upset the delicate balance that holds my psyche together like so much silken thread, sure it's strong but it's fragile too...

There are some 'issues' that need to be worked out...and they are niggling like the little doubts in the back of my mind. I am trying to keep it all in perspective but it's hard...I don't like the idea of throwing babies out with bathwater...

And..if one more fucking person tells me to 'just have fun' I am going to fucking scream....arrrrggghhhh! Shut the hell up - OK! (For the record I AM having fun - I am enjoying every single moment that I get with him - it just never feels like enough.)

"Be of love more careful than of anything else" - who the hell said that? (at one point I *thought* it was e.e. cummings) - whomever it was, they were wise.

...and I don't know WHY I am agonizing....maybe because it's been so long since I've had anything this good, that I feel like a kid in a candy store and I want it all. NOW! *stomps foot*

*sheepish grin*

I know I need to breathe...and's just difficult and I feel a bit unhinged by the whole thing and as I said needing to just keep my wits about me - but I feel disarmed too - flying without a safety net...

It's just all really fucking scary, gang...exhilarating...but scary.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Virtual Buddha

Virtual Buddha

Excellent blog...well done.


Watergate Summer

Watergate Summer

Thought I'd put up this link - thanks for the comments Enigma and thanks for checking out my blog. For the record I adore hanging out at my gay friends' house. LOL and you are right - it IS cleaner than my house...but who's keeping score.


Studio de Sade

The Art of Nigel Sade

...on the recommendation of a good friend. Check it out!


You know you are house-sitting at a gay guy's house...

Because their screen saver is a hunk-of-a-man-cheese-cake picture.

Love you guyz


Roryshock: McNipple

You know you are house-sitting at a gay guy's house...

...when there's a button on the fridge that says:

'Is my dick too long for this skirt?'


Yeah boyz you wish....

*evil grin*


Now listening to....

I had to write this....cause now I have someone that *I* think of when I hear this song:

Foo Fighters: Everlong

Just because....

(gah I am such a dorkette!)


Cat sitting

I am watching Liam and Sid's house and their cat 'Buzz' while they are down in Miami for the Madonna concert.

I like helping friends out (always have) - this is nice for me in a couple of ways, I get a change of scenery and I get to use their pool and work out facility (I have membership at Bally's but hardly go - the idea of the outdoor pool appeals to me more than the work out room).

So I get here around 6-ish and I am greeted by Buzz - who is meowrowling - in this cross between Mr. Magoo and W.C. Fields - he sounds like he should have a cigar in his mouth - he seems very surly. He is a pure black cat - he's beautiful - but he does seem a bit out of sorts...

I put my stuff down and settle in for some kitty play time. Buzz lets me pet him but then begins to want to grab me and bite. Which is OK. I give him some fresh water and he follows me around the house with the W.C./Magoo imitation voice meowing - eventually he decides he's going to try to grab me every time I walk by reaching out and trying to pull me in to bite me...he's adorable...I meow back in my best Mae West meow...this upsets him even more.

I give up and decide to log on-line and find out *gasp* they don't have Yahoo IM on their computer (OMG!) - how am I going to chat with my 'friend' (yeah I got it bad so sue me) - so I call and leave a msg for them asking if I can download Yahoo Messenger - Shawn calls after just having landed to let me know it's cool. Goddess bless him. We chat for a bit and I say I fully expect an update as soon as he finds time...lucky him - I hear she puts on an amazing show...

So then after downloading IM, I decide to go down to the work out room. Unfortunately the treadmill seems to be broken. I get on the bike and pedal for about 20 minutes and then head back up - tomorrow the pool!

Meantime I am going to relax, peruse their movie collection (I think I Might watch TransAmerica, Crash, The Hours, and Saved *rolls eyes* no silly, not in one sitting).

But for now I am going to do some catching up on writing and hope that Buzz decides to become more affectionate.

Love is blindness....

I don’t want to see....


I suppose there’s a reason why this stuff is referred to as ‘the tender trap’ for I feel a bit trapped indeed.

I have so many emotions whirling around inside of me these days. Sometimes I don’t even know which end is up.

In all that has happened to me since the demise of my marriage I think that part of me forgot what it was like to just date someone. Let me tell you it’s NOT like riding a bike (not with this guy anyway).

I am falling there is no doubt about it, falling faster than my own personal velocity is used to or feels capable of. I need something to stablise me (I don’t want it to be him, though – although he IS very stable) - something so that I can keep my wits about me – because I feel like they are turning to jelly right before my very eyes.

Typically we are often told to not put our eggs in one basket when it comes to things like this. I could become a ‘modern’ woman – a player. I don’t want to – it’s that pure and that simple. I like this guy. I like him A LOT. In fact it’s actually scary how much I DO like him because I just don’t go for guys in this manner. There is so much to him and it keeps revealing itself – a lifting of the veils. I feel this is as close as I am ever going to get to seeing someone’s soul. The closeness really takes me by surprise. I never thought I would want to be this close to anyone ever again. So I am feeling a bit off-kilter from the force of this and the quickness of it as well. I keep telling myself to ‘slow down!’ (screaming it at myself actually), but I don’t seem to be listening.

I am happy, really and truly happy. I have not felt this happy in years. I mean from the end of my marriage on – and that’s 4 friggin’ years! Oh and don’t get me wrong, I’ve been happy – but not like this.

He does things to me (*laughs* not THOSE things you pervs) – he makes me think about things – deeply, he makes me giggle (that’s right I said *giggle*), he makes me want to be calmer (for all of you out there that know me, truly know me, this is HUGE), he respects me, he honours me, he is truly a wonderful person inside and out – he is rare and all those things I never thought I’d find. I feel I’ve met my match. And, not to be cliché or quote stupid movies: he makes me want to be a better person and he had me a ‘hello’.

I said I was not going to post much about this on here but I had to post this. Because this is the old Colette talking as well – yet it’s the new Colette. I want this to be here in this forum for it’s part of me, of who I am, of who I am becoming, and I know I want to share this with the world and scream it from the rooftops cause that how excited I am to be involved in this.

There aren’t going to be names, or ‘gory’ details but just the ‘update’ which a lot of you deserve and I want to thank all of you for all of your support when I was going through my darkest times – for that I will always love all of you – you have no idea how much you all mean to me.

So thank you AGAIN from the bottom of my heart – which is now brimming over with joy.

As ever,

Daily Sky

Daily Sky

Blog of the week here on DOCG

Thank you Caribou for your kind comment on my post

If the shoe fits

From a good friend:

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Dobbs: Not so smart when it comes to the Middle East


As usual, hitting the nail squarely on the head, Mr. Dobbs.

Where did our sense of decency go? I believe it flew out the window when we elected that bufoon, Mr. Bush.

[Geeks are Sexy] technology news

[Geeks are Sexy] technology news

Well because they just ARE...that's why!


A lesson

I've of course been teaching Yoga's almost too much on my plate kids...

So I was suppose to begin teaching a class last night which was not advertised very well at all - I was pretty sure the class would be canceled due to lack of attendance.

I called up to see how many people were coming to class and was told 4 people. This upset me a bit since I usually won't agree to teach unless there are at least 6 students - it's just not worth my time.

But knowing that they expected me to come and it was not fair to cancel on there 4 people I went.

Turns out I got a chance to see again and teach (for the first time) one of my favourite people from my *own* Yoga class. She and I had always hit it off because she too works for the same 'institution' I do - so when I'd go to have classes myself she and I would talk and socialise a bit. She complemented me on losing weight, and at the end of the class complimented me on my teaching skills, which to me is a very high compliment indeed.

The class was nice and we may even have more students next week. In the end I am glad I went. I myself learned a lesson about expectation and duty and putting one's own selfishness aside in order to help others to 'feel better'.

Thanks Goddess I needed a lesson in compassion...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Yoga trend catching on with soldiers

Yoga trend catching on with soldiers


Perhaps by chanting FOR peace we will eventually have peace. One can only hope.

Human Enough

Interesting as usual, talking with *HIM* last night (and no, you aren't getting his name); but then it’s ALWAYS interesting talking with him. I wonder if we have years worth of talk ahead of us or, if like most couples it will fade after a while.

There was a bit of a hairy moment in listening to him deal with some personal stuff with his ex. I remember those days. Well. I remember hating those times where we would fight with each other over our parenting styles, where I swore that he was fighting with me and using the kids as weapons just because of his ‘bruised ego’ and I could not get him to understand the damage all this ‘tug of war’ between us was doing with the kids...’s rough. It’s hard to see him go through this. As I get closer to him and I begin to see things that aren’t the most wonderful or pleasant, it does not dull my desire, or cloud my vision, in fact it makes me want to be more compassionate, more loving, more supportive.

We went to a little outdoor café (BTW, this to me is the epitome of romance, being in little out-of-the-way cafes, being outside eating and talking, or having wine and talking, or coffee and talking – it just reeks of romance).

We began to talk about what I refer to (in my head) as the ‘quandary’: that of relationship and that of marriage.

I have never in my entire life been big on marriage. I think this perhaps comes from the fact that I knew my parents’ marriage was terrible in many ways. It’s not that I didn’t think my dad loved my mom – quite the contrary. It’s that he could not stay faithful to my mom. Even this gets complex for you see living with my mother was like living with a saint and who the feck can live with a saint? Not an Irish man known for his looks, charms and flirtatious capacity. So he had an affair (possibly more than one). (For all I know I might have another sibling somewhere.) So I grew up sort of suspicious of marriage. The institution NOT the idea of it. I just felt that we were simply setting ourselves up for failure – in many ways I still feel this.

Let’s look at this shall we.

Man & Woman, court, fall in love (supposedly), and get married. (I am not even going to go to the place where I talk about the ridiculousness of a lot of ‘weddings’ and all the stress THAT puts on a burgeoning new relationship – here’s a clue kids: ELOPE!) Pretty soon (according to God’s plan or your respective mother-in-laws) you have kids.

Alright now we have thrown a tiny new person in the mix (who BTW didn’t ask to be here), and you guys still haven’t gotten to really and truly know each other (unless that is your ‘courtship’ lasted like a good 3-5 years.) So we have a woman who is for the most part the primary nurturer for the baby. (And please do not give me shit about this if you are a man I KNOW there are men out there who help – but ultimately a lot of times the woman is still spending most of the time with the kids while the man earns the dough for the castle). So she’s either with the kids all day or she works and takes care of the kids, the house, the meals, and on top of that her husband wants sex. Holy crap who set up this dynamic?

Meanwhile, the man is busy, busy, busy. He is expected to support a wife and kid(s), make the majority of the money, be under an insane amount or pressure at work, have his wife nag at him cause she can’t get shit done and she wants his help AND he’s getting nothing in the way of regular sex. I have not even begun to mention the ‘madonna/whore’ complex where men can’t seem to wrap their heads around their wives being sexual creature once they’ve given birth to ‘their’ children.

Enter ‘attractive’ people of the opposite sex who are willing to pay attention to that neglected libido on both sides of the fence. 'Other people' who are not fettered by the 'drag' of being with a 'ball and chain' and who seem way more exciting and sexy than your husband who is sitting in front of the ball game burping, drinking beer and scratching his ass, or your wife who is simply put, 'the bitch royale'.


I don’t wonder why people have affairs. I wonder why it’s not written into most marriage ‘contracts’.

Look I understand the ‘faithful’ thing I really do; and I am not suggesting it’s not a good thing and that people should not strive for it and be loyal to the person they chose to spend the rest of their lives with. However, with all the pressures of our lives, all the stress that we at times ‘voluntarily’ put ourselves under, all the dysfunction in the family of origin, all the temptation that comes in too many forms to even begin to list – is it any wonder people fall prey to their innermost desires? I don’t think so and I think part of the problem is our attitude about the whole thing.

I was once told by someone much older than me at that time about how French men deal with their wives’ lovers. A French man gets home early in the afternoon. He walks into the bedroom where he finds his wife and her lover engaging in sex. He apologises, excuses himself and leaves. He probably then goes off to see his own mistress.

That’s it!

Now while I can not vouch for the veracity of this, I can tell you that from my own personal experience and knowledge, having lovers, mistresses in Europe is considered de rigeur. It is understood. They don’t get all bent out of shape about it – well I am sure some people do – but a lot of women for centuries have understood that men simply want their cake and eat it too. They are content as long as they are taken care of, that their children are taken care of and that things in the household stays relatively stable.

Here in the ‘States’ we’ve adopted this attitude of morality that seems to dictate that having affairs is unacceptable (although it happens in epidemic proportions), we look down our noses at sex in general (like it’s not suppose to be enjoyed or even had unless it is for the sole purpose of procreation – yet there’s porn everywhere {YA THINK?}) and we believe that this creates happy people and stable relationships.

Well kids, I got news for you, it doesn’t. Oh sure, there are couples out there who when they said ‘till death do us part’ meant it (and they weren’t planning on killing their spouse to get out of their vows).

If we truly as humans did not need something ‘on the side’ they why does there exist prostitution? It’s the oldest profession and the second oldest is a guy begging for it.

And I don’t mean to be crass. I don’t mean to come across as jaded. To me taking a lover is something I put a lot of thought into. I am not going to give my body and my love to just anyone. I don’t even necessarily think I NEED more that one lover in my life at a time. But if we are ‘dating’ as termed in the modern vernacular – these days doesn’t that mean being in bed with more than one person? (Not me – but I am certain I’ve been on dates with guys who are already bedding someone else.) Isn’t this ‘accepted’ – this ‘playing the field’? So what changes just because you say ‘I DO’?

Is it totally incomprehensible that you could fall in love with more than one person? Is that also therefore unacceptable? Some of the greatest art, literature and music has come out of people falling in love with someone *besides* the one they are tied to ‘legally’ or obligated to be with. Perhaps therein lies the rub – if we feel ‘obligated’ or somehow duty-bound it seems to impact romance in a way. It’s kind of hard to be in love with someone if you feel you HAVE to be in love with them.

The idea of having romance in your life is exciting. Having a lover that you can meet ‘secretly’ is exciting; having someone who thinks you are ‘sexy’ who pay attention to you is exiting. What isn’t ‘exciting’ is day-to-day doldrums, cleaning the house, making mortgage payments, deciding where to go for the holidays, taking care of sick kids/spouses.

In the end, we have to decide what we want; to be constantly excited or to be in a stable monogamous relationship that every now and then needs some spicing up.

It’s a difficult decision for most of us to make and all I can say is listen to you gut and your heart, try not to beat yourself up too much and remember you (and your lover/spouse) are only human – and by that I don’t mean to negate the marvel of us being just that – very human indeed.

Captive Audience

My hands are tied...
I lie outstretched
On this dark bed.
Candles lit

Your smile, sinister
In your hands
Cold gleam of metal
No chance for reprieve

Feel the knife
Edge along my thigh
Your tongue
Follows suit

I moan and sigh
Writhe and gasp
Enjoying this,
Are you?

That smile comes
This time, mine
I'd applaud but,
My hands are tied

- CML 1994

Monday, July 17, 2006

Empty nest and news of the world

This weekend I got to go to my nephew's graduation picnic - it was a nice time, although the heat was unbearable.

My son and I seemed to really connect. Early in the day we were getting ready to go and he was dressed in longish, dark shorts with one black knee-high and one blue, knee-high sock on (OK so fashion maven he's not) and I looked at him and commented how he looked like he was wearing jodhpurs. I was teasing him and he started laughing and I started laughing and pretty soon, both of us were laughing so hard we were crying. I NEVER do this with ANYONE else. He is the ONLY person I laugh with like this.

At the picnic we got to play Frisbee together, he taught me how to throw a football properly and we played badminton where he handed me my ass on a platter. He even played left handed as a 'handicap' - we laughed and had fun with each other.

When we got home, he called one of his band-mates to talk about practice. He was informed that another band had inquired about using him and that they were being offered a chance to go 'record' in NYC and would Tony be interested in going to New York with them to play on the album.


He came to me immediately and said: "Mom I know you are probably going to freak, but I need to do this, it's the opportunity of a lifetime."

In that moment I knew it was time for him to go - to spread his wings and fly. I knew I could not (nor did I want to) hold him back. I hugged him and congratulated him.

Today he drives out to Erie, PA in order to practice with the new band to see if it's a good 'fit'. I am very proud of him (and scared to death too but incredibly happy at the same time).

*sobs* "My baby's growing up" (just kidding)....

But indeed, he really is...and I really *AM* very proud of him. This is incredible and I wish him all the best.

Break a leg, son.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Cleveland Ingenuity Festival

Cleveland Ingenuity Festival, concerts and art and technology and music events in Downtown Cleveland Ohio

Went to this today (during the day) - also saw my ex.
Both were all not that enjoyable. I should have tried to go in the evening to the festival instead. I am happy to see Cleveland having these types of events - I was glad to pay the $10 for the day pass to help support art, music and technology here in Cleveland. There WAS some pretty cool performance art and I got to see a wonderful modern dance company too.

As far as the 'human relation' goes...

Things between my ex and I are strained at best. There's simply too much water under the bridge. He is of the belief that somehow we are going to end up together. At one point in time, that may have been true (yeah OK so I was insane, sue me).

When our marriage ended, part of me hoped deep down that he would change, that he would get his life together, somehow rise above his illness, become the man I knew him capable of being...

...that was like 4 friggin years's simply NOT going to happen. He does nothing to make it happen.

No real stability, no real change, no counseling, no meds for his severe depression/bi-polar disorder/narcicisstic tendencies. NOTHING. And I am suppose to do what? Wait for this TO happen. I stopped doing that about 3 of those years ago.

I am not saying I wish ill on him; or that I want to see him suffer, or that I am not sad that he has the problems he has, but there comes a time where you simply have to move on, move past, just move for Goddess' sake.

I've had enough stagnation to last me a lifetime. I am tired of this game where he expects 'something' from me that I am no longer capable of giving. I want him to know that I will always care (truly) - but it's time for him to stop carrying around a fake torch - had his love been real, had he wanted to change in order to salvage anything with me - he surely would have by now.

Enough is enough.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

The Green Flame: How to Fight a War Without a Shred of Conscience

The Green Flame: How to Fight a War Without a Shred of Conscience

...and yet, sadly enough, things in our government haven't changed one bit.

The disgust I feel can't even be put into words anymore.

Syd Barrett, founder of Pink Floyd, dies

Syd Barrett, founder of Pink Floyd, dies

I was quite saddened to hear of this too. To me Pink Floyd was just one of those bands that could never be duplicated. While I know Sid had been 'out of comission' for a while, his loss is still tragic.


one red paperclip

A lot of stuff happened while I was 'away' from my blog. This is one of the things I wanted to report.

Congrats Kyle!

We should all be this determined or insane....


Conundrums and human nature

When I first decided to take the leap by becoming a Yoga teacher, I was getting ready to get married. In fact, I was planning my wedding at the SAME time. Now mind you, we did something really small and the planning was at a minimum, but I spent the spring before and part of the summer prior to my Labour Day weekend wedding immersing myself in this ‘new’ world. It was ‘new’ to me, because I had never really been around Yoga ‘students’ or other Yoga teachers.

Like any ‘specialty’, Yoga has its own sense of hierarchy, and codes to live by. It is a microcosm of the world in many ways yet supposedly Yoga teachers live by a more honour-bound set of ‘rules’.

In my teacher training sessions, we would talk about these rules/codes of ethics. We would debate, and have lively discussions. Some of us thought the standards a bit unrealistic on some levels.

The other way I learned more about this ‘world’ was by becoming a member of a list which is now a world-wide on-line subscription for Yoga teachers. It’s called ‘E-sutra’ (the word Sutra in Sanskrit means ‘thread’ – yes indeed kids I speak a ‘dead’ language go me!).

At one point on this ‘list’ the subject of dating one’s students came up. Dating a student in Yoga is a big, big, no, no. BIG TIME! Some liken it to a counselor or psychologist dating a client. Student teacher, guru/student, ‘Svengali’/Trilby relationships are often littered with sexual tension. The way I feel about them is pretty strong: you should NEVER take advantage of a student or anyone’s vulnerability. Period. In yoga, your students can often be very vulnerable.

There was a guy on this list - a well-respected teacher, who would often relate stories, and useful tips for being a teacher. Well one day he decided to admit he had dated not one but TWO of his students. It was the ‘shot fired around the yoga list’ – you could actually hear a collective gasp from the group. People started ripping him a new a-hole. It was horrendous what was said to him. People were up in arms. Had he been in front of them, there would have been bloodshed.

His ‘reasoning’, I won’t use the word excuse, was pretty easy to understand. In the life of a Yoga teacher, who is busy trying to carve out an existence while living in (of all places) NYC, it’s difficult at best to meet people to date. It just so happened he was attracted to one of his students and it just so happened he asked her out.

I decided to write him ‘off-list’ not to ream him a new one even more, but to offer the branch of compassion to him because I felt for him. I can imaging the loneliness; attempting to find a ‘soul mate’ when your very life’s work involves touching souls and not being allowed to then find that soul amongst the ones who would most clearly understand you and be a good match for you at the same time had to be frustrating.

So I wrote to him telling him that I understood. That sometimes life does not have easy answers and sometimes we make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes turn out to be the best decisions of our lives. He wrote me back. Our correspondence with each other was filled with warmth and mutual respect. He told me at one point to look him up if I ever wanted a teaching job in NYC. During time I wrote to him, I related to him my own frustration of getting ready to be married to a man who could care less about Yoga or my studying it; that he never wanted to participate or learn about what I was doing and that I felt it would be something for both of us to share. He in turn encouraged me to keep trying to ‘get him involved’. Little did either of us know that later on, my husband would use my having Yoga in my life and being away from the home in order to study, as his ‘reasoning’ (and here I really want to use the word excuse), for having an affair.

One of the other things that came out of all of this ‘bickering’ on line was another teacher’s confession of how he met the love of his life - (both had taken a class together and he did at one time teach her) - and how she was his sun, moon and stars – it was heart achingly beautiful that someone would state such things in an open forum and even though I was about to be married, I had not experienced this passion in my relationship except at the beginning – in some ways it made me a bit jealous of the intensity of that love.

I (obviously) went on to have a marriage which then failed miserably. All of a sudden I found myself a Yoga teacher with no one to date. LOL. I did not have access to a bevy of ‘studs’, nor would I have ever thought to date one of my students. I was encouraged by friends to try and find someone that way but I felt if I was going to find someone to date via Yoga it would have to be with both of us being students. Not me being a teacher to a romantic interest. The going advice is – if you find yourself attracted to one of your students, you should talk honestly with them and see if they can go to a different class.


I didn’t find the wonderful man I am seeing through a Yoga class. Yet I know he’d gladly share my love for Yoga with me as I want to share his love of his own interests with him. While we are not at the point of admitting on-line our ‘undying’ love for each other (and quite frankly some of that can be rather embarrassing and/or tacky but I still think the eloquence of that Yoga’s teachers words of love for his partner will stay with me for the rest of my days – I wish I could find them to share them with all of you), I can see where if we continue along the path we are currently on, we will at least make those ‘confessions’ to each other.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Yummy Johnny

Yeah um...

So did any of you see the 'lay-out' Mr. Depp did for this issue of RS?

All I can say is 'Ohhhh Johnny...'

Notes from the Trenches

Notes from the Trenches

Via C2 and earning the nod for coveted 'blog of the week' here on DOCG.

It's very well done.




Hi everyone! *laughs* And just in time for Bastille Day!

Viva la revolution!

Yes, I am back! Back, from taking a much needed break/rest and putting aside everything that was not necessary in order to concentrate on what really mattered at the time (it still does matter very much as I write this now).

Before I go any further, I want to state loudly my undying gratitude and love for Liam and Lynn who 'manned the fort' while I was away. They did a spectacular job.

I would like to allow them to continue on. I know Liam is going back to his blog. I hope Lynn will continue to contribute here. This was a very nice change for DOCG.

A lot has happened to me, kids.

Some things are better, some things are worse, some things have not changed.

With my son - I believe we've come to a point where we both understand each other a little better. He respects me a bit more and I him - for you can't push your kids into things when they are almost 18 - you can lay down the law and I have, but lovingly, firmly, and allowing for mistakes. He in turn has begun communicating with me again the way we used to and even tells me he loves me again.

That was the major impetus for my leaving the blog.

With my daughter it's another story. I shan't share it at this point. There's nothing to really say. Just pray, everyone pray for her, for her well-being and health and that of my grandchildren.

In other news...


Honest-to-Goddess dating!!!!

I want to run into the streets yelling and shout it from the roof tops cause it's a joyous time in my life indeed. I have not been this happy in I can not tell you when. It's frightening as well. I mean in that heart-racing, 'I can't think and I can't eat and I don't know which end is up' sort of way. I feel like I am falling and on a roller coaster ride at the same time. It is incredible.

It happened 'out of the blue' I threw out the rule book and decided to take the bull by the horns. I can't believe I actually did what I did. Stop looking at me like that! I know I come across as bold and throwing caution to the wind, but in matters of the heart, MY heart that is, I was just frozen.

And now, I am melting, and blushing, and Goddess you have no idea.

I will not be writing about this other than what you are reading here. I DO have a place where I have been 'journaling' this and if you want to know, you have to ask. Don't just assume I am going to allow you access either. (Keep in mind, I am still the old Colette to some extent).

The blog is going to probably change a little too. I am probably not going to be posting all the time. I am not saying content or my usual cantankerous self is going to become suddenly 'light and airy' but with a bit of a new outlook on life it may very well colour my world...

It's good to be back.

Thanks for continuing to read while I was gone. Help me convince Lynn to keep writing too.

A bientot mes amis

In light and love,

Monday, July 10, 2006

Sanitized DVD's are considered Copyright Infringement

I'm not sure where to stand on this. I do believe it's up to the parents to determine what their kids watch and don't watch. So from that perspective these companies were doing a good service.

On the other hand, dissemination of any copyrighted material IS a hot button issue in this digital age.

Hmmm....a conundrum indeed!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Growing up a mystery!

Reading Lynn’s growing up background amazed me. Clearly he didn’t take the “my parents are religious therefore I should rebel with every ounce of my being” approach that a lot of children of ministers take.
Whereas his parents were clearly very devoutly religious, mine shunned it from even before I was born. My father was raised Catholic and my mother Baptist. When his Catholic church refused to marry them because my mother was a divorced woman, my father turned his back on the church.
So I grew up in a household without religion. We had a single cross that hung on a wall, supposedly it had been blessed by the Pope, though I never had official confirmation of that and we buried my father with it.
We weren’t running around doing good works, and helping our community. My father took a $10,000 investment into his own business and fed, housed, and clothed us on it for nearly twenty years.
It’s so odd the perspective you gain on people long after they have died, and your childhood is completely gone, save only your memories.
Both my parents smoked until I was 17 years old (that was the year my father was diagnosed with emphysema, which killed him 5 ½ years later). My father’s habit when I was a kid was 4 beers a day. I don’t recall EVER seeing my father drunk though.
All that I remember of my father are sketchy memories, he loved ships, which is something I picked up I suppose. He loved sports, a habit I didn’t emulate. He was a devoted husband and father to his children. A strict disciplinarian to my siblings who by the time I came along preferred words to using a belt. He worked, he grocery shopped, in the summer he golfed.
My parents never dumped me off on anybody else, if I spent a night anywhere it was because I wanted too.
From the perspective of nearly 13 years since her death, I can tell you that my mother had a mental disorder. She was never treated for it, never sent to a shrink. Without professional diagnosis I can only guess it was either Bipolar disorder, or just severe depression. Considering she was mostly blind and largely deaf for most of her life, I guess that could be expected.
Whereas my father turned his back on the church, I think my mother continued to pray, true she couldn’t see well enough to read a bible, yet I would sometimes catch her saying well known phrases from it.
I have siblings, yet I grew up an only child. Anyone reading censuses would be highly confused, as in 1970 my parents lived with 4 children ranging in ages from 18 to 11, yet in 1980 they were living with only a single child, who was 9.
We never moved, I lived in the same house from being born until the age of 23. I guess I’ve made up for that by moving so many times as an adult.
I guess the only way I avoided the temptations of others in their teenage years was by not being popular at that time. Throughout most of high school I was a loner, preferring to just go, do my studying, come home and watch tv. A LOT OF TV!!!
I do try to help people, admittedly I could do more I suppose, volunteerism is supposed to be good for the soul. Anymore, I just go to work, come home, watch tv, and try to find ways to have fun. That seems to be enough to keep me busy.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Son of a Preacher Man

I grew up in a pastor's home, a preacher's kid. My father was always a full-time minister, my mother a full-time mother. Our church, The Church of the Nazarene, was and still is a rather small denomination, a little under 1 1/2 million members now, less than a million when I was a part of it. Then the Nazarene Church was quite conservative: no smoking, no alcohol, no movie theatres, and no social dancing.

Despite this, perhaps because of it, I feel privileged to have grown up in my environment. Even though I no longer observe most of the prohibitions of my former church, I like the fact that I escaped most of the problems many of those in my age group fell victim to during the 60's and 70's. Later, as I grew into maturity, I was better able to choose how I would live my life, and which habits I would adopt or refuse to adopt. I am a social drinker. I enjoy the movies. I have done a little dancing, but don't now due to some arthritic knees. I don't smoke, and glad I never started.

Growing up a minister's son had many other advantages. I grew up in an environment that took faith and spirituality very seriously. Though I am no longer an evangelical Christian, I still am a follower of the Nazarene. I no longer believe that salvation is a through the Christian faith alone, I believe that grace is real. I no longer believe that Jesus was God, but I believe that in Jesus we see what God is like, and that his life is a model for our own.

In my family, learning and study were important. My father and mother were constant readers. They encouraged my own love of literature. TV viewing was limited. Trips to the library were frequent. As a child, my mother subscribed to children's magazines. Once she signed us up for a children's book club. (I still remember three titles from that time: "Elephant for Rent", "On to Oregon!” and "The Perils of Pacifico".) Later as I grew up, my father shared with me books he enjoyed. He introduced me to C. S. Lewis who later became the topic for my M.A. thesis.

Of course, the study of the Bible was paramount. I took part if Bible contests coming in 2nd place in an international competition. The Bible is foundational to Western literature and thought. When I was in graduate school, my professors looked to me to make literary and theological allusions clear to them.

Growing up a preacher's kid encouraged my leadership skills. I was expected to take the lead in Sunday Schools, youth groups, and later denominational functions. I trace my political work to the fact that I was expected to organize programs for the various church functions such as our Sunday night youth program called the NYPS, Nazarene Young People's Society. Presenting Sunday School lessons, providing devotions, offering public prayers, honed my speaking skills.

There were downsides to parsonage living. We moved quite a bit, 6 times in a 9 year span. I had trouble forming fast friendships, and came back to Oklahoma to go to college feeling a bit rootless. I have lived here ever since, a total of 45 out of 54 years of my life. So I can say that I am a "Sooner born, Sooner bred, and (most likely) when I die, I'll be a Sooner dead"(lyrics from the Oklahoma University fight song).

At times, growing up in the church did feel like living in a fishbowl. To his credit, my father and mother never once said to me, "Son, your behavior is making us look bad to the church." This is not because I was a perfect angel. (I once got caught taking a swim in the church baptistery.) The effect came more from the fact that we felt the need to be the example for the rest of the church membership. Typically, we were the first to arrive at all services. I am astounded that mom accomplished this feat with 6 children whose ages covered an 11 year span. I felt I had to be willing to volunteer for any duty. My wife says I've carried this over into my adult years. (I am the recording secretary for 5 different organizations.)

However, I feel the benefits I have gained from being a minister's son are such that if I were given the option of repeating my experience, I would not hesitate to do so. Above all, I grew up in a home where I enjoyed parents of the highest character, who demonstrated genuine love for each other and for us. I grew up in a world where service to others was valued more than material gain, where we loved people and used things as opposed to the vice versa situation I see in so much of our world.

I am proud to say that I was the son of a minister and his wife, an equal partner in their ministry. I am thankful for the lessons they gave me and feel that most of the best part of me is a result of their nurture.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Midsummer Bummer

Scene from A Midsummer Night's Dream

Well, the 4th has come and gone. We had some family and friends over to burn some weenies that day. We enjoyed our "Celebration Without Fireworks."

The day after the 4th is always the worst day of summer for me because it marks the mid-point of the summer vacation. That means that a teacher's mind inevitably turns towards the coming school year. Bummer.

Next week Cat and I will be flown to Orlando, Florida for a "High Schools that Work Conference" with about 50 other high school teachers from the Oklahoma City Public Schools. The conference will take up an entire week of summer vacation. I hope that this conference doesn't turn out to be as "Mickey Mouse" as Orlando's most famous occupant. Some others who have gone report that they got a lot of good from the workshops.

The main thing I have to fight when I go to these professional development activities is an inherent defensiveness. I will hear people get up and proclaim how much success they have had with one technique or another with their "at risk" students. I wish I had similar success stories to report, but I don't. Teaching in an urban school is tough going. So I naturally want to find reasons to undercut their advice. Things like, "it won't work with my students"; "their school is not like mine"; "if I had the resources and support they enjoyed"; "if they had to deal with our administration." This defensive has the unfortunate side effect of blocking the good that I can gain out of their instruction.

One of the best pieces of advice my father gave me was to maintain what he called "a teachable spirit." Be open, he told me, to the ideas of others. Remember you are always in need of learning and capable of growth. Whenever I keep his advice in mind, I find that I do develop and grow.

There is a reason why a doctor says that she "practices medicine." I guess I need to realize that I am a practicing teacher.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Tick . . . Tock . . . Tick . . . Tock . . .

Today was back to work after 5 glorious days off. I think I'm coming to realize that I don't hate my job per se.

What I hate is the feeling that I'm wasting my life behind a computer screen. Like I'm living my entire existence through this plastic box I'm chained too 8 hours a day!

In this day and age 7 years is a long time to stay at a job. I've heard it said that a career used to be like Christianity. If you were faithful to a single boss/career, you were rewarded with glorious retirement (the afterlife). Nowadays it seems to follow a Reincarnation model, you go from job to job, taking the best of the last job with you to the next one.

I work in the computer field, at a help desk for a large advertising firm. I stumbled into this position, having no interest or history with computers prior to working for this company.

It's been a glorious 7 years, I've met alot of people (turnaround for this place is ENORMOUS) and learned alot about computers.

Again to reiterate, this job is NOT my passion nor what I want for the rest of my working life.

There is hope however! Last year I got my realtors license, and was on my way to a career in said field. Unfortunately I got hooked up with a manager who didn't know how to train me, so I made some mistakes that both hurt others and pissed me off!! I walked away last November.

My license is still out there, so I'm about to embark on this adventure again, hopefully with a better company where I WILL get the training I need.

I'm just praying it means I'll get out from spending all my time behind a computer monitor.

Only time will tell!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

One of my favorite quotes

Cat and I saw this painting in the Oklahoma City Museum of Art. The objects in the painting, including Washington's gesture, are supposed to have symbolic significance.

As Mankind becomes more liberal, they will be more apt to allow that all those who conduct themselves as worthy members of the community are equally entitled to the protections of civil government. I hope ever to see America among the foremost nations of justice and liberality.--George Washington

Sunday, July 02, 2006

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Campers

Cat and I didn't get to go camping. We were going to go with another couple who were going to reserve the tenting area for us. However, the woman of that couple became ill and backed out. Instead, Cat and I did a day trip down to Lake Murray in southern Oklahoma. We went down to see a former student of Cat who lives near the lake. The young girl has kept in touch with Cat and is now expecting her first child. Cat and I managed to do a little swiming and picnicing. It was a fun day trip, but not a real substitute for camping out. So we plan to get out this week after the 4th of July crowds have all gone.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

What would I do without the history channel?

I haven't posted in a few days because I've been felled by gastroenteritis, last time I had this was 3 years ago. It's pretty heinous.

So I've been taking it easy today, and camped out on the sofa, watching a special on the History Channel about the Presidents of the United States, from Washington all the way to Bush Jr.

Among the things I never knew, was that James Buchanan was supposed to have been a homosexual president.

Fascinating if you think about it. And here I thought Abraham Lincoln was the only President with possible homosexual tendencies.

I love history, as much as my partner Shawn loves celebrity. I probably should have been a history teacher.