Monday, March 29, 2004

Wedded bliss...

So this weekend was the wedding of one of my friends and the lovely woman he took as his wife. As you can imagine, it was difficult at best for me to be there....I was not looking forward to this at all. But, I love these people and more than any other couple I know they seem to be right for each other - I take that back, there are 2 couples I feel this way about. They have been thru a lot and so this is more than a wedding, it is a triumph of love.

On my way down to rendezvous with the people who were giving me a ride to the event, I could not help but notice the couple riding in the car behind me. I don't know what made me 'think they were a couple...but I just got this vibe. The other vibe I got was that they did not like each other much. Again, I don't know why...perhaps it is just my too active imagination, and so I begin to construct a 'story' about them.

They did not speak a word to each other, there was no eye contact, no smiles, no nothing. I felt like they could barely stand to be in the same auto together. I began thinking of all the other married couples out there who feel this way about each other...what makes them decide that they will endure a relationship like that? Is it fear? Do they feel that they don't want to be alone and that they will never find anyone else? Like my one friend, do they think that they have invested so much time that they just won't walk away because really, what would they do if they left?

What drive us to stay with someone we don't like? Are we that pathetic? I am sure some of us just like to suffer. Maybe we don't think we are worthy of healthy, happy relationships...perhaps we don't know how to start or maintain a healthy relationship. Perhaps we are lazy. I really think at times this has become a theme for my blog, my rant...why do we do what we do to/with others, why does it mess up our lives, why can't we seem to get it right and what is the secret of those who do get it right?

To my dear friends who got married this past weekend - I wish you every happiness and joy. I hope that when you get bogged down by the other things life throws at you that you will remember your wedding day and your vows to each other and stay madly, deeply in love. I pray that you will never have to experience the 'dead zone' as you ride through life together. May you be as close during the storm as you are in the sunshine.

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Tears and fears

I looked into your eyes
they told me plenty
I already knew
you never felt a thing
so soon forgotten all that you do
in more than words I
tried to tell you
the more I tried I failed
I would not let myself believe
that you might stray
and I would stand by you
no matter what they'd say, I would have thought I'd be with you
until my dying day
until my dying day
I used to think my life
was often empty
a lonely space to fill
you hurt me more than
I ever would have imagined
you made my world stand still
and in that stillness
there was a freedom
I never felt before
I would not let myself believe
that you might stray
and I would stand by you
no matter what they'd say, I would have thought I'd be with you
until my dying day
until my dying day

Artist: Sarah McLachlan
Album: Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Title: Plenty

All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together any more
Let me take a deep breath babe
If you need me, me and Neil'll be hangin' out with the Dream King

Neil says hi by the way
I don't believe you're leaving cause
me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream
I think it's that girl
and I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is
All I am
The black of the the blackest ocean
and that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin
You don't know the power that you have with that
tear in your hand
that tear in your hand

Maybe I ain't used to
Maybes smashing in a cold room
Cutting my hands up
Everytime I touch you

Maybe it's time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now

Caught a ride with the moon
I know I know you well
Well better than I used to
Haze all clouded up my mind
In the dazeof the why it could've never been
So you say and I say you know you're full of wish
and your 'baby baby baby babies'
I tell you there's peices of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is
All I am
The black of the blackest ocean
and that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have with that
tear in your hand
that tear in your hand

Artist: Tori Amos
Album: Little Earthquakes
Title: Tear In Your Hand

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Lawyers, guns and money

So I went to see my attorney. I sat in his office and cried - as if my heart would break - but of course it was already broken...I have known my attorney for over 9 years now - he said he has never told anyone to get divorced - but he was telling me to.

We talked at length and I came to some conclusions...I mean how could my husband love me or claim to and do what he did? Truly if you love someone don't you try for them? Don't you do everything for them? Yes of course he is depressed blah, blah, blah - aren't a lot of us? I don't go out and cheat on someone because I am depressed.

I told my attorney that when he handled my previous divorce I wanted that divorce - I really did. I don't want this divorce - but in a way I am forced into it...this hurts more than anything I can imagine - but nevertheless I have to do what I have to do. Too bad he can't fix a broken heart.

In the end - it will be better for the both of us...

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

And so...

Now. I am sad, sadder than sad and I feel so cold, so brittle - like everything is going to break. Like if he (or anyone) says anything unkind I will just shatter into thousands of rainbow-splintered, jagged-glass pieces, leaving nothing but the sound and fury of my flailing soul, trying to escape from this existence.

Because I have become something I never wanted to become. Because I HATE what I have become...and I want so badly to put things right. I want so badly to go back to what we used to be. But wait...that was illness too...that was not right...that was tainted.

Toxic love, how do you get it out of your system? How do you remove poison from your soul. There is a soap product out there called 'Wash you sins away' funny , I wish I could wash my soul clean from all of this.

He accuses me of 'clinging' to this relationship and he does not even realise how badly I want to end all of this - he says he only says those things when he is angry - but that's ALL the damned time!

There I am this shell of a person trying to hold myself together, trying to function through all my pain, all my sorrow, my constant on-the-edge-of-tears feeling and perhaps I AM clinging to this...but why???

Love, love used to be so easy, I used to fall in love all the time, with everyone/anyone - no not like you are thinking, but I loved was pure, it was clean, it was nice. I used to be happy and I guess I was always in love with the ideal of love...with the falling in love part of love. I can still feel joy, I can still feel happiness but it seems just out of reach. Like really bright sunshine on a really cold day - you can feel the heat - but it so damned cold...

I am guilty of loving another human being that is mentally ill...he is brilliant but ill. I took a vow to love this person for the rest of my life...can someone please tell me how to walk away from love? I mean I am a Yoga teacher for Buddha's sake! I study (or try to at least to study) - the art of non-attachment. How do I disengage?

All those stupid cliche sayings about love and the one most applicable to this moment "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was..." What an incredible crock of shit. Was that person ever in love? Did they ever have their heart broken? So what do you do when you set someone free and you don't want them back - better yet, what do you do when your heart wants them back (because there is this undying love inside of your heart) but your head does not want them back? I mean I try to listen to my instincts, my gut and I get conflicting advice...everything tells me to just forget it all, to run away, to end things...then he calls and I am crying and he is telling me he loves is that my gut or my very bruised ego?

This is why people are great artists...because they are able to translate this stuff into writing, poetry, paintings, I just blog my little fingers off hoping to type my way out of this darkness that I seemed to have created all by myself.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Yeah OK happy birthday to me

He is such an are some fitting song lyrics - but this time applied to a male:

So Cruel

We crossed the line
Who pushed who over?
It doesn't matter to you
It matters to me

We're cut adrift
We're still floating
I'm only hanging on
To watch you go down
My love

I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me
I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn't what you wanted

The men who love you, you hate the most
They pass through you like a ghost
They look for you, but your spirit is in the air
Baby, you're nowhere
You say in love there are no rules
You're so cruel

Desparation is a tender trap
It gets you every time
You put your lips to her lips
To stop the lie

Her skin is pale like God's only dove
Screams like an angel for your love
Then she makes you watch
And you need her like a drug
You say in love there are no rules
You're so cruel

She wears my love like a see-through dress
Her lips say one thing
Her movements something else
Oh love, like a screaming flower
Love...dying every

You don't know if it's fear or desire
Danger the drug that takes you higher
Head in heaven, fingers in the mire

Her heart is racing, you can't keep up
The night is bleeding like a cut
Between the horses of love and lust
We are trampled underfoot You say in love there are no rules
You're so cruel
To stay with you I'd be a fool
You're so cruel

Artist: U2
Album: Achtung Baby
Title: So Cruel

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Utterly unbelievable

OK - so you all know I have been 'checking out' the personal ads and let me say - it's miserable out there.

I want to share something somebody sent me and my response:

"Your Yahoo personal ad piqued my interest. I am an unhappily married, white, professional, male, and I live northeast of xxxxxx. I work in electronic media and web stuff (BS potojournalism). I've been on the net since Al Gore invented it, but am pretty new to electronic relationships. So please be gentle. I'm 54 y/o, 6ft 1in, 225 lbs; addicted to working out; gray hair (many people say I look like Richard Gere, but I really don't think so). I'm very romantic, generous, and spontaneous, and would like the chance to pamper or spoil someone. I love to laugh, make people laugh, and can handle being laughed at. My interests are fairly typical, but I really like outdoor stuff: hiking, biking, tennis, and skiing. I have a short list of indoor activities that I like too. I have traveled fairly extensively, and still love to do so. I hope you don't find this too forward and that this enough for a start and to interest you. I'd be happy to send you a pic, but you can't attach a pic from this Yahoo site. So, please respond to so that I can send a picture. Hope to hear from you soon. And no, I'm not a surly Canadian; the name just refers to my big, black Newfoundland dog. Otherwise, I'm known as . . . XXXXX"

Here is my response:

"Dear XXXXX,

This is in response to your e-mail to my personal ad. I don't know what in God's name would prompt you to write to me thinking that I would be interested in seeing or providing ANY outlet for an unhappily married man - there is nothing in MY ad to indicate such. And while I applaud your honesty and while I don't know your situation or pretend to, perhaps if you find out what mine is you will understand the 'tone' of my response in full.

The ONLY reason I am even on here looking myself is because I am separated... and the ONLY reason I am separated to begin with is because my hubby decided HE was unhappily married too, and felt the need to see an 18 year old girl behind my back - and I got to find out about this through the wonders of the internet (a tool I now sort of despise Al Gore for); because he had a weblog devoted to his sexual feelings and desires about this young girl. He had been seeing her for 6 months when I found out. He is old enough to be her father.

So as far as I am concerned your unhappily married personage can go to hell. Sorry to be so blunt/honest and harsh but as far as I am concerned, you deserve this. I am saying this from the depths of my very soul and on behalf of all the other wives out there. (and if you really 'knew' me, you would know that I am actually a really decent person) however, either work it out with you wife or leave her. PERIOD. There is no room in my life for three people in what should be a romantic relationship between ONLY two (meaing you AND your wife - because she WOULD be there, XXXXX - maybe not for you in your cowardice but *I* would know) - there wasn't room in my marriage for such things either and that is why I kicked my husband out of our house and our marriage. Perhaps that makes me an non-understanding, cold bitch of a wife - well too friggin' bad - but then I am sure that is what people like you say to women they are trying to pick up, right? The ole' 'my wife doesn't understand me' crap.

What is it with people that think if they just do something with another woman/man it will make the shitty relationship they already seem to suck at even better - it's rhetorical - dont' feel the need to answer - I am just wondering out loud - perhaps if I apply to a univeristy for a grant they will let me study this phenomenon and I can get a doctorate.

If you wanna chase tail here on the Internet there are plenty of obliging sluts who will be happy to help. *I* am not one of them.

I'd wish you luck but I would not mean it.

Good bye"

Saturday, March 06, 2004

Doe in the headlights - a.k.a 'Here's a sad story about a man and a deer'

I am caught, stuck. I am standing on the edge of a precipice and ready to go over the edge - but there is nothing to catch my fall. There is nowhere to fall. I wonder if that's really all that bad though. How often do we find ourselves in these places, between a rock and a hard place...and it's really our own fault. I could have seen this coming but I didn't look - I guess I did not want to know. I wanted to trust in the 'safety' of love. I wanted to "be" in love. But there is no going back to the shelter of his arms. I can't get comfortable there anymore. It doesn't feel like home - it feels like the enemy camp.

We get so entangled in our own internal dialogues. Love - it just seems like a way for us to flatter ourselves. We are all suppose to be unique, self sufficient, independent humans. Yet, for some reason, probably only known by Providence, we feel this need to take a mate. But it's just a biological imperative, right? Because we were blessed with brains (or as my friend who studies chemistry would say more chemical reactions - a sort of engine/power station running the whole/the mechanics of the body) - and these brains have evolved over the ages along with language and love is painted as an idyllic, pastoral scene - picnics and flowers and passionate speeches. When did it become so? When did man go from 'Me Tarzan, You Jane' - that primal need to reproduce (again for God knows what reason - did ancient man actually understand mortality?) - to all of this crap we call love?

Is there a universal connectedness between humans that has us turning to each other for more than just baser instinct? If so, how can we possibly expect it to work? You have human being A who falls for human being B - they court each other and they don't show their 'true' selves, their insecurities, their phobias, (although obviously falling in love is a vunerable act because you have to open up a little). You don't see the 'real them' in a lot of instances until after you are married or living together.

Wisdom of late, dictates that if a woman is with a man and he has habits she does not like, forget about changing him (perhaps this is a male conspiracy). But aren't we all about change, about evolution? The question becomes are you each changing at the same rate, and, are you changing in the same directions. Better yet, can you love your mate enough to tolerate their change and be supportive, and unselfish about it - can you let go? I suppose those of us out there who like to think we are more enlightened can do this.

I think what happened with me is a combination of both the 'not knowing him' and me changing and growing and him being resentful of it and stagnating. I keep thinking, as I get older, that it is impossible to find that one love, that person that I can grow old with. Sure sentiment and intention are great. True love is rare, it is something to be cherished. Hell, love is something to be cherished no matter what form it takes. More and more though I think it boils down to the biological imperative - and I am sorry to say it falls more on the heads (no pun intended) of the male of our species - that bser instinct seems to have never died out and evolved into a love poem...

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

What I've become

I have become the invisible woman. He looks at me - he does not really see me - the real me at least. He just busies himself with his life and hopes that in the end he will win me back. What hurts so badly is the fact that his friends after seeing him, tell me that if they did not know what was going on with him, they would never know he was hurt, upset, missing his wife. How am I suppose to take this kind of stuff? Probably the same way I take took the news about him lying to people (including Erin) about his marital status, telling friends he was looking for a place of his own (behind my back!), telling them if things didn't change HE was leaving. Fucking bastard. Who the hell does he think he is? He deserves to be alone...

I watched the movie "Frida" this weekend. She was amazing. She kept true to herself despite her love for Rivera and the price she paid for loving him. She loved him, even though he was incapable of loyalty and fidelity and yet what choice did she have but to love him? And that is how I feel in a lot of ways about Dreamer...what choice do I have? Like her, I want to be the invincible woman not the invisible woman. I hope I have it in my soul to turn my back on him when I need to - for my own good, for my own salvation.