Dealing with fall out

As a follow up to my recent post about having a heavy heart, I thought I would share what I wrote on a forum I found.

I am going to warn you now that this is incredibly personal...and if you don't want to - move along - you don't have to read this...it does not have to be YOUR car accident....it's all mine...

Some of you may know, others not - about the affliction my son is dealing with.  I say affliction because I don't know what else to call it.  I don't want to label it a 'disease' because there is a level of personal responsibility involved in making the choices he is making (nobody CHOOSES to have cancer do they? You see where I am going with this....I hope).

As a parent or loved one of someone struggling like this - I think a lot of us feel lost.  Like we are damned if we do and damned if we don't.  It's truly a rough sea we sail....and I am sick of being seasick.  At any rate maybe this will help someone else out there...if not...I am just posting it because I think it needs to be said.

To my son - if you read this, please know - I am truly sorry for your pain.  I hope you get the help you need.  I am here for you.

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It is heartbreaking to hear these stories.  And mine is so similar.  I too search for answers for how to deal with this heartache I have over my son.  I too am torn.  If this were a 'bonafide disease' like cancer, diabetes, etc., it would be so much easier.  But I don't think that people with those diseases lie, steal, blame their families and on and on.  Like most of you, we have addiction on both sides of the family.  Like most of you, I never thought my son would succumb to this.

Over the past two years of dealing with finding out about his addiction, my son has said such horrible things to me my heart just cannot take anymore.  I myself have gone through over a year of family counseling to try to 'understand' but I feel the NA/AA 'model' is broken on so many levels. His father and his 1/2 sister have mostly written him off, yet I charge on like some half-mad general in the proverbial Custer's Last Stand, hoping somehow, someway I can help him, fix him, save him.  I know it's desperation and a fool's folly, but my mother's heart won't let it go...

I call this journey the "Roller Coaster Ride", because, over the past 5 months, my son had seemed to turn the corner, he had been on probation for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and decided (like many of these other kids) - the rules did not apply to him - he stopped seeing his PO.  At that time he was living with his dad who basically had had it with him.  He moved in with me and my husband. back in August, and turned himself in - was put back on probation....seemed to be doing well.

Then, around the holidays, two of his friends (one of them very close to him), died from drug overdoses....and suddenly, he was out of control.  I reached out to him being compassionate and he was nasty, abusive, full of resentment - telling me he hated me - telling me how he was angry for the divorce, for how I got along better with him than his sister (this is true) and on and on...he felt invaded and I, like the idiot mom I am, was trying to be 'concerned'...but as usual he did not want to talk...he never does.

The next thing I know - he had a problem with his girl friend (who is an absolute doll and one of the bright spots in his life), and she broke up with him, because she caught him in a lie - in which he used ME as the excuse...but of course neglected to tell me he used me as an excuse...and his 'line' is always 'Don't talk to (insert whomever's name here)' - because OF COURSE he never wants any of us to compare notes.  Because of the falling out with his girlfriend - he decided he could no longer live in my basement.  Never mind the fact that recently I found paraphernalia that we specifically agreed was banned....I was apparently the cause of all of his 'mental instability'.

Now, he is living in his car.  It is winter in Ohio...

Two days ago, he said he'd be willing to get help...and his girlfriend agreed to allow him to stay with her as long as he agreed he'd get help.  The thing is he is only staying with her when she is not working...or only sporadically.  Meanwhile he is still in his car with everything he owns.

Last night, I came home to find out that in all probability he came into our house (he knew the code to get into our garage - which we changed now) - and stole over $200....we don't know FOR CERTAIN - but all indicators point to this being the case.

My husband texted him, and after I found out I did as well and again with the emotional roller coaster ride of a phone calls - telling me he never took the money - but he'd replace the money he did not take cause he's
'a bad person'.  I told him I did not want his money (I don't) - I just want him to get help.  We sent texts back and forth and his final one said he is done with everyone and everything and he just hopes he dies soon.  I have no way as of this writing to know if he is alive or not.  Until the next roller coaster ride/incident.

I feel (as many of you do) held hostage.  I feel like I am on a death watch and I cannot separate my emotion from my logic (I don't even think I possess reason anymore).  I don't know what to do - I know cutting him off is the thing TO do...I cannot afford a funeral, and I don't know if my heart can afford losing my son.  I feel like a pariah, like I am the only one who does not 'get it' - I feel no one wants to be around me (why would they?) - and I don't feel, short of having him locked up (either in jail or in rehab) that he is going to turn himself around...but of course (regardless of the tenants of AA/NA) he truly does have to want this for himself.

I pray all of you find peace and solace somehow through this cyclone we all seem to be going through.  I pray your loved ones find health and healing.  Keep talking and don't turn inwards on yourselves...go get counseling to help you cope and to get access to a support group.  I know it's where I am heading today or tomorrow.

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io9. We come from the future.

io9. We come from the future.

Blog of the week, kids....enjoy. It's as much fun as Saturday Morning Comics!

Today...

....my heart is heavy – it sinks in my chest like a stone.

How does a mother deal with hearing that her children despise her?  Even if she has, (as I indeed have), made mistakes?  Apologies go unaccepted or mean nothing.  Is there no way to bridge the gap? To make amends?

I am trying my best to understand, to understand why this is happening.  And I just can’t…

There were things that happened between my mother and me….horrible awful things I said to her.  I know I made her heart heavy as well.  I was stupid, a teenager….and I suppose the only thing I can do is extend that kind of understanding to my own children…..

Unfortunately, the 'understanding' does not make my heart any lighter....

On the book-shelf

I want to begin a somewhat regular series, reporting on what I am reading or what is piquing my interests - that being said - here's the latest literary dish:

Over the past year I read first two of the Stieg Larsson's books:

I was given the last one as a Christmas present.  I will tell you the same thing many people have said - yes they are good books.  I was not really convinced after the 1st one but by the second one I was hooked.  I am hesitant to begin the third book because - well frankly I feel like I will simply lock myself into a room and mumble monosyllabic grunt-like noises and eat more Haagen-Daz (LOL I don't eat ice-cream in winter) and totally ignore my family, hygiene, etc....but hey it may be well worth it.

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Speaking of eating...the follow up to Eat, Love, Pray - Elizabeth Gilbert's take on the institution and whether to be institutionalized for contemplating another marriage:  "Committed: A Love Story" was read while I was on my holiday.

This book made me go through all myriad of emotions.  A lot of anger bubbled up inside of me.  Directed at men, at society, at the church, at the government, and finally in the end at Ms. Gilbert herself.  I devoured this well-researched, easy-to-read tome and tirade AGAINST marriage - all written from the perspective of a woman madly in love with her man but being forced against her will to get married if she wanted to stay in the US with her beloved.  I would truly recommend that anyone thinking about getting married (men AND women alike) read this book (gay and straight too).  Ms. Gilbert does not make men out to be the bad guys per se (she doesn't need to, history and science do the job for her), but she does condemn the institution in a lot of ways that I totally agree with.  HOWEVER and this is a big but, I was a bit upset because to me what seemed to be happening in someways was her trying to find her way to make peace with this at any cost.  I found it to be to trite and neat of an ending if you will.  As if after all the 'downside' she manages to find some obscure piece of information in a study that makes 'it all OK' to suddenly get hitched.  And don't get me wrong I WANTED HER TO MARRY HER MAN.  We all seem to want the happily ever after crap we are sold - but I wanted her to want it more than she seemed to be wanting it....if that makes any sense.

Like Ms. Gilbert, like a lot of modern-day women, I struggle with all of the choices I have ahead of me - love and relationship being among the hardest to try to make peace with.  How do you juggle it all?  Love, family, kids, job, YOU....all of it seems like so much and yet we all seem to want it all somehow....but I think what the most important part of all of this is to find someone who feels like you do and put all those cards on the table and get brutally honest with each other....and even then it's no guarantee.  I would also never allow (if I ran the universe - seriously) ANYONE under 25 (and possibly 30) to get married.  I just don't think we are mature enough yet.  And like Ms. Gilbert - I would recommend you do your homework, even get counseling...no one should be allowed to just tie the knot without serious consideration - it simply leaves too much horror in it's wake when you have to go through a divorce and potentially drag innocent children through that as well.

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 And now for the folly:

Don't ask me why I am subjecting myself to this - (ducks as the English major in the audience throw books), but I never read Mr. Melville's masterpiece.  I went through all sorts of English Lit and I was never made to read this book.  So this is my undertaking (penance?) - and while I will not say that I 'can't put it down' - I will say that I do very much like this and I have an old version of this book that I am reading so the print is small and I have to take my time reading it...and (God help me) I seem to need to be 'in the mood' to pick it up...but I think it is a work of genius and I will report back later.

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So kids - that's it for this edition of 'On the book-shelf' brought to you by Amazon and libraries everywhere and remember it's still way more romantic to curl up with a book in your hand than an electronic device (at least if we are taking my opinion into account ^_^).

A bientot mes amis
C~

Bye-Bye 2011 Hello 2012

It's been a while and I have a lot to say and write...so much that I don't even know where to begin.

The year for me at least, ended on a sad note...but it's been a good new year so far.  I have not had time to be as retrospective as I might be...but things are making me think more...and think about how I should approach life.

Career-wise I am in a funk and I don't know how to deal with it....it's a bad time to be looking (yet again) for a job, but I am not happy and I am wondering if I just keep having bad job karma.  I had to do something about having full-time work, yet I am not sure I made the right decision.  I just don't know what to do anymore and again I keep thinking about going back to school...but heck what do I study, and what do I want to be when I grow up (like a little voice in my head is yelling"  Grow up already!)

The holidays were nice - visiting with my husband's family was nice...noisy, hectic, down-right nerve wracking at times, but alright.  I guess I know understand why snow-birds move to Florida - I am still not convinced that it's right for me - I am not good about brutal heat - but this cold is REALLY getting to me this year...and there's like 4 months left of cold weather up here in NEO.

We got a gym membership and I am hoping to get into better shape - not so much a resolution, more like a determination and an understanding that I NEED this...a lot.

I need to try to focus too on other more personally enriching  - like getting my story written and hopefully seeing Erin's work come to fruition as well.

So there is a lot I want to accomplish and not enough hours in the day.....and some things like family worries, job worries and general apathy conspire to not make me so inclined.  I am partial to hibernation in winter and not sure how to jump-start my own arse into activity, physical or mental....

Erin bought a 'happy-light' but part of me thinks that it's actually OK to feel sadder during the winter; to want to curl up and eat more (or eat Haagen-Daz), be tired, and general lack motivation...I mean there are seasons for a reason....the light itself creeps me out in it's 'color spectrum' - it pains me to look at it...but then bright lights have always bothered me.  So perhaps I will try it and see if it helps...I will report back as to my findings.

I hope all of you had a good holiday season and have found reasons to celebrate, reflect and find the impetus to move into a brighter future.

R.I.P.

One of my son's friends passed away over the last day (or so - I am not sure when he died).

I met this young man exactly once....and then, over time, I 'talked' with him via FB.  He helped me in a lot of ways with issues my own son was/is facing.

I cannot even begin to imagine the sorrow his mother is feeling right now.  All I know is my heart is heavy and I have been in tears/holding back tears for a lot of today.  I am completely undone by the fact that his life was cut short, suddenly and inexplicably, and possibly because he was hurting and no one was there to help him.  Sad, so incredibly sad.

Tonight, if you are able to - give your kids an extra hug.  Tell them how much they mean to you...tell them how precious they are.  If you know someone who is hurting, reach out to them, heck reach out even if you don't know because sometimes, we are all hurting.

My prayers and my deepest sympathies go out to this family and Mike, where-ever you are, may you find rest and peace.

Paris

I wanted to share this post - I myself need to learn these lessons (as well as live in Paris someday ^_^)

Five lessons learned from living in Paris

In light of recent developments...

at Penn State and elsewhere - where people are coming forward to talk about what happened to them - I want to first thank you for being brave enough to do this.  I hope you find the support and love that you need while you go through this entire process.

Some of you may know - others might not - that I myself was a victim of being molested.  I wrote a very lengthy post about it and I have received numerous comments on that post.  In most recent times, people (anonymous people) have felt the need to come out and attack me or make disparaging comments towards what I've written.  I have therefore decided I need to moderate comments now, because I am sick of being attacked.

That all being said, I am compelled to share a beautiful comment to my post - and it is because of this comment that I feel all was not in vain when I decided to write that revealing post long ago. Here you go (my heartfelt/soul-felt thanks to Akira Rei for sharing this and 'rescuing' me.:

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"First, I'm absurdly grateful to the Davis family for producing and sharing this film. I cried so hard I mimicked Celesta for a while there, and now I'm giddy and giggly and exhausted and just want this whole burdensome process to be OVER.

And Colette, thanks for sharing your story. I hope you've found a community and supporters and continue to seek out happiness and positive experiences. I'll be starting CBT soon, and I plan to move out of my house and confront my father soon, as well.

I feel compelled to address our 2 *wonderful* Anonymous posts, even though I'm sure they'll never read it.

First, it's plain weird that you went to all the trouble of watching the movie and reading this blog post, and all you got out of it was that you blame people who don't report these incidences. I think you may be missing the 'sympathetic' cogs and nobs of your brain.

However, I understand that if you've never been through a scenario like this, it's really hard to understand where we're coming from. I even had a few minutes of complete dissociation where I wondered why the fuck this whole 'confrontation' thing was such a big deal. And molestation - it's so strange that it affects us so severely!

But truly, reporting someone is not as easy as you think it is. We create happy little lives for ourselves, and sometimes something big, bad and scary comes along that we aren't equipped to deal with. No one can offer advice, there is pressure from others in our lives to pretend like it wasn't a big deal, it's too crazy to comprehend...so we agree to not report the person if they'll go to therapy (using Ellen Davis as an example). Nowadays it's a little more out in the open than it was in the 60s or 70s (THANK YOU FEMINISTS!!) so reporting these cases is more normal...when the child tells.

But if the child can't tell? If the perpetrator threatens, or the child lives with the molester, or the parents don’t care? If it seems normal to the child? They know it's wrong, but not really why it's wrong, they can justify it away....

And most victims of child sexual abuse struggle with low self-esteem. It takes a lot of fucking courage to report your molester to the authorities, turning something intensely personal and private into a PUBLIC MATTER. Many victims come away from the abuse thinking, "it wasn't such a big deal," or "I'm overreacting," and have a hard enough time standing up for themselves (victimization process continues, geniuses!), much less trying to for other hypothetical victims. Additionally, it's hard to imagine it happening to anyone else, because these things are always so secretive.

And finally, FUCK YOU. If the man who molested me does the same to anyone else - it is NOT my fault. It is HIS FAULT. And don't you FUCKING DARE tell me otherwise, because I never stuck my finger anywhere on her body it didn't belong. SUCK IT, INSENSITIVE DOUCHE-BAG.

That pissed me off. I understand your point. But it's putting too much emphasis on the victim, who already suffers from a lot of emotions and personality issues from, hey, being a victim. (Imagine that.) "

Sadly...

I've been reduced to moderating comments thanks to yet another idiot out there....you know the ones who never learned that whole: 'If you cant' say anything nice, shut the hell up' lesson....

Other stuff sucks too...but hey it's life...maybe I'll discuss....maybe not.

Hope your holiday was wonderful....hope the coming ones are even nicer.

Quote from a bumper sticker

"We can bomb the world to pieces; But we can't bomb it into peace"